Unclogged

This is under stuff I don't really want on facebook.

So I cried for the first time in thirteen years and I want to talk about it because it is a major event. But I don't think to is a appropriate for a fb note. I never let myself have the physiological response in years, I felt like a blew something the last time I cried. It was the last session with my therapist since she is moving to a new place. It just happened and I'm glad I let myself feel emotions instead of denying them and bottling them up. The last time I cried was when my Mom found my diary and found out that I wanted to get a sex change and that have had sex with men. My Mom told me "I needed to decide if I'm gay or not, so they could have another kid" and then and afterwards for about two years I felt insecure about if I was going to be living there are or not. My parents threatened since then to send me away, worrying about ending on the streets. I saw the 20/20 special about the lesbian teen who was forced to smell ammonia while watching lesbian porn to make her straight and realized that could very easily be me. During this time I was dealing with near daily sexual assaults in gym, they would drag my head down to their crotch and I would be mock gang raped in front of students and faculty would do nothing. I can't deal with my own problems because I was in a place where I couldn't say I was gay or risk getting thrown out my home and risk further violence against me. Then I became a parent in a way of my own father because had cancer and substance abuse problems. I was the teenage kid who still up late and read left wing literature while checking up on my Dad at the bar and making sure he doesn't get another DUI. He also sometimes had drugs on him and I didn't want him to get arrested again. This really threw off my sense of self worth and I always felt like I was completely undeserving of anything. And doubting myself on everything and having anxiety. For example, while I have had problems with gender identity since childhood including genital mutilation since 11. I never felt comfortable in ever mentioning it to anyone because I didn't want to come off as crazy, even though it is clearly a problem. I have never been in therapy before my PTSD and it has been affecting me for years. The relationship I formed with her really helped me in understanding my experiences and not "gas lighting" and deny my emotions and what I feel. I am worth something, growing up I felt there was something always wrong with me because I could not make my parents accept. I delayed transitioned because I was afraid of want my parents would say, they were already saying "do you want a sex change or something?" since I came out. I now know that was horrible and abusive, but it really did get to me.

So I let myself feel, I let my guard down and I feel a lot better. I feel liberated, of course I'm sad that it was my last therapy session with her. But I'm in a safer place now, I tons of friends who loved me for who I am and think I'm valuable. Even if people have been telling me that for years, I never left myself feel it. We live in a world where if you are a minority your reality is denied to you. I didn't let myself cry when I was stressed about my Dad's substance abuse or watching him almost die from cancer, I didn't cry when my anxiety about gender and sexuality got in the way of love life and romantic relationships weren't working out, or when I was sexually assaulted after transition by a guy I went on a date with. I need to value the opinion of my the ones who actually show me love (ie my friends) not two people who have constantly let me down.